Every gym has that one member who seems to live there. At CrossFurr, that member is Gary, a ginger cat of uncertain age and enormous poise. We sat down with him, or rather, we stood near him until he blinked.
The Early Days
Gary joined CrossFurr in the spring after being referred by a sofa. His first session consisted of walking in, looking at the equipment, and sitting down. The coaching staff were impressed by his commitment to the sit.
His Training Philosophy
“Gary does not run,” said Coach Tuna. “Gary conserves.” The idea, we are told, is that energy is a finite resource and should be spent only on essentials such as dinner, light, and the occasional ankle.
- Morning: sit on the platform
- Midday: sit on the platform, but facing the other way
- Afternoon: sit near the platform, to keep options open
- Evening: scratch for exactly four seconds, then nap
Notable Achievements
Gary currently holds the leaderboard record for Longest Continuous Stare, set at 94 minutes during a documentary about fish. He was also awarded the Bronze Trophy for Doing Nothing in the winter, an honour he accepted by lying on it.
What He Says About Fitness
“It is all about balance,” Gary told us, or possibly he yawned. We have chosen to interpret both as wisdom.
Plans for the Future
Gary is preparing for the coming season with a comprehensive programme of sitting, reclining, and watching other cats do the work. He hopes to expand the platform by a further six inches.
We wish him every success and kindly ask that he vacate the post by closing time.
Gary’s Tips for Beginners
We asked Gary for advice for new members. After a long pause, he said that the best place to start is wherever you already are. He then closed his eyes. Our staff wrote this down and have printed it on a poster, which Gary now sits on.
Gary also recommends choosing a platform with a view of the door, so that you can monitor arrivals, departures, and the possibility of snacks.
This profile is fictional and satirical.