TO: All members and staff. FROM: Management. RE: Treadmill closure, effective immediately.
On Thursday at 4:12 PM, a member known to the gym as Biscuit stepped onto a running treadmill. The belt was switched on, by whom we do not know, and the machine began to move.
Timeline of Events
- 4:12 PM: Biscuit steps onto the belt, confident
- 4:12 PM and two seconds: Biscuit is no longer where he was
- 4:13 PM: A rapid backwards trot begins
- 4:14 PM: Biscuit exits the treadmill into a tower of yoga blocks
- 4:15 PM: He claims it was deliberate
Findings
The investigating committee, consisting of Coach Tuna and a medicine ball, concluded that the treadmill was not designed for cats. We also concluded that Biscuit has excellent reflexes, a short memory, and no remorse.
New Rules
- Cats may not step on a moving treadmill
- Cats may sit beside a stationary treadmill and watch
- Cats may walk on a stopped treadmill, but only slowly
- Yoga blocks are not for stacking
- Anyone caught blaming the treadmill will be asked to apologise to it
Compensation
Biscuit has been awarded a free session in the Reflection Room, where he may sit and look at the mirror. He has declined to apologise to the yoga blocks.
A Word From the Treadmill
The treadmill declined to comment but did make a loud beeping sound, which we interpret as an expression of relief.
We thank everyone for their cooperation. Management reminds all members that the gym is a place for personal growth, not for rapid backwards travel.
Safety Reminder
Following the incident, the gym has installed a new sign above every machine. It reads, in large letters, Please Think Before You Step. The sign has been knocked down twice. We have hung it a third time, higher up, and placed a cushion beneath it in case of further falls.
Questions about this memo may be directed to the front desk, where a staff member will look at you for a long time.
This memo is a work of satire.