At CrossFurr Indoor Fitness, we believe the best workout is the one you were going to do anyway. Our founder, Coach Tuna McBicep, noticed that members were already hurtling through hallways in the dead of night and decided to put a name on it. That name is the 3 AM Workout, and it is now our flagship programme.
Phase One: The Warm Up
Begin at 2:55 AM with a long, slow stretch, ideally in a spot where a human will hear you. Follow with three circles on the bed. Do not skip this phase. A cold sprint is how hamstrings get pulled and dignity gets lost.
Phase Two: The Sprint Circuit
- Hallway dash, end to end, minimum three repetitions
- Sofa launch, with a confident landing on the opposite arm
- Staircase gallop, up only, with a dramatic pause at the top
- Kitchen skid, rated by tile surface
Each interval should last about twelve seconds, followed by a rest of exactly zero seconds. The rest period is for amateurs.
Phase Three: The Cool Down
Sit in the middle of the floor and look at nothing. Groom one paw. Groom the other. Wait for your heart rate to settle, then declare the session a success and walk away without explanation.
Common Mistakes
Members often mistake the workout for a competition. It is not. It is a private conversation between you, the hallway, and a faint noise from behind the radiator that you intend to investigate.
Another common error is to complete the workout and then immediately start another. Our coaches call this The Second Wind, and it is not covered by your membership.
Equipment Needed
- One hallway
- One cushion for dramatic landings
- A human who is almost asleep
- A small ball, which will be lost by 3:10 AM
Results vary. Most members report feeling energised, which is the whole point, and very tired by 9 AM, which is also the whole point.
This programme is satire and not real fitness advice. Please consult a real professional before exercising, and consult a cat before stopping.